The first time a poz guy disclosed to me before sex, I fucked up. It took me by surprise, and I felt too much emotion to go ahead with sex; I thought it would be easier for him if I was a bastard about it, and so I was hateful to him, and hated myself afterward. I was twenty two years old. I've come a long way since then, but I'm still taken aback when a poz guy discloses before casual sex; it's the same rush of emotion, like sipping from an open fire hydrant, and it's hard to put that out of my mind and fuck afterwards. But it also dials the trust and intimacy up to eleven, and I'd be lying if I said that doesn't scare me, but it does make for good sex.

In my article Solutions to Stigma in the current edition of HIV Australia, I talk about the slow learning process HIV-negative men undertake to overcome HIV stigma and build confidence in their ability to use condoms to protect themselves. My background is in cultural studies but I sometimes get frustrated with social theories' focus on the problem to the exclusion of ideas about solutions; the risk is that HIV stigma looks obvious, natural, and inevitable, when experience tells us that some men overcome it. There's an interest body of work called behavioural economics, bridging neuropsychology and the dismal science, about the way the human brain assesses risk, and the relative persuasiveness of different kinds of framing. There's a subset called prospect theory, which garnered its authors the Nobel Prize in Economics, and I think it shows some promise as a basis for crafting responses to HIV stigma.

Rather than quoting research about the low risk of HIV transmission when condoms are used, this approach suggests we'd do better to think about how people learn, the role of emotion in their thought processes, and ways of framing the issue. Instead of saying "your emotional response to HIV risk is invalid because rationally and objectively the risk is much lower than you think", why don't we say, "one day you will meet the man of your dreams, and there's a 1/10 chance he'll be HIV-positive: with your current attitude, you would miss out on the relationship of a lifetime"?

With that message, you're tapping into some equally powerful emotions - the desire we all have to meet the guy who completes us, and our frustration about how long it takes - but this time, they're weighing on your side. You can bet he'll dismiss that question upfront, but you're planting the seed for later reflection on what he might lose through his stigmatising attitudes. At that point the smart educator will change the subject and leave him to ponder that thought, because defensiveness is the enemy of learning, whether it comes from being challenged, scorned or simply feeling ashamed.