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Thoroughly enjoying this Craigslist ad before bed:

Ahoy, Maties

I'm looking for a pirate who's ass I can plunder hard. If your a deck hand in need of a dick in hand, I'm your Captain, matey. I except hard, grunting work, good hand to hoist my jolly roger and a good tongue to mop my deck with.

Argh, if you think you're good enough for me to pillage, then come aboard my ship
or walk the plank

Argh! I except all hands on deck to dress and act like a pirate, Captain will ignore posts not speaking like a pirate, understand mates?!

Amazing. Sleep well, mates!