When I first began transitioning from female to male, all the way back in 2000, one of the biggest struggles I had was figuring out how to be a man. Not a male, mind you, that part seemed to already be wired in, but a man, specifically the kind of man I revered; loyal, kind, generous, thoughtful.

There are some pretty strong scripts in our culture that lay out how men are supposed to act and I went to work trying them on for size. I didn't really feel I had a choice, I wasn't "passing" at the time, meaning most people who met me knew I was not born male, and acting out these masculine tropes was about the only thing I could do to signify to others that I was indeed male. (This experience is by no means exclusive to trans men, a lot of gay men, and a good amount of straight men also struggle to fit into these masculine molds.)

I was pretty miserable, everything that I tried felt put on, the posturing, the stance, the amount of space I tried to take up with my body and my presence, everything. I wished for the day when I no longer had to worry about whether people thought I was a man and only had to think about what kind of man I wanted to be.

Around this time I came across something that changed my life forever, a group of men who seemed to possess all the the qualities that I held so highly. These men were part of Perfect Harmony Chorus, a gay men's chorus in Madison, WI.

I fell in love, and not just with these men but with gay men in general. I was drawn to them not because I was having sex with men (that came later) but because they seemed to have found a way to free themselves from all the masculinity bullshit that I was struggling with. I was heartened because no matter how far they stepped outside of cultural norms (and some of the stepped pretty far) at the end of the day they were still men, and no one could question that.

That's what I wanted, to be able to live freely and genuinely, to show love and compassion for those around me, to be loyal, proud and kind and still be seen as a man.

Soon after I broke it off with my girlfriend, came out as a flaming homosexual, grabbed my shit and moved to San Francisco, and for a while my love for gay men still burned bright. Not surprisingly though it soon faded. Body image issues, a few broken hearts, public health's complete annihilation of any trust we had with our sex partners and a sprinkling of transphobia and my love affair with gay men was all but destroyed.

Well ladies, and gentlemen, I am happy to report that my love for gay men is back, if only for tonight. I just got home from an impromptu memorial for my friend Dan, who only just passed away this morning. In a few hours time the men who loved him most organized a memorial procession down Castro street, giving us all a place to grieve and say goodbye to a beloved member of our community. We stood together and loved each other, we kissed each other, we showed our loyalty for each other and for Dan. We held each other in compassion and thanked Dan for the generosity he showed all of us.

So tonight I want to say I love you to all the queers everywhere, but especially to my brothers, even the bitchy ones. There are systems and diseases and people everywhere that are trying to tear us apart from each other. Let's all try to remember what made us fall in love with this community in the first place, and hold on.

xo Jackson