I've been thinking a lot lately about the seeming disconnect in gay culture between two seemingly parallel concepts: pleasure and desire. I think often times we use the two words as if they were one and the same -- that they are inextricably bound together. But I want to consider the possibility that -- in fact -- they are very distinct for us gay boys. Consider the following two questions. Imagine for a moment, the best sex you've ever had. Most gay boys I know would immediately conjure up passionate stories of sweaty, intense play -- perhaps with some rhetoric of intimacy thrown in.

But in contrast, if you ask a gay man what's the hottest sex they've ever had -- I think you would get a very different story. It's more likely to involve an elevator, stranger in an alley, or public bathroom. It's about fantasy - the kind of story that makes our ears perk up. It's about being fucked mercilessly. Being tied up or more generally being taken. I speak of course from a bottom's perspective -- but I think you might imagine the reverse for men who identify as a top.

Indeed, despite my identity as a bottom, much of the best sex I've ever had has been with other bottoms -- not with tops. I don't think this is evidence that somehow I'm a closet top. Instead, I think there's something about bottoms that's not so much about the desire to be fucked -- but about the desire to please. Being a bottom is about wanting to make your partner cum, to allow oneself to be used for their pleasure.

And so I want to propose something perhaps a bit radical. Perhaps us bottoms ought to stop furiously seeking to be used / abjected / thrown around by a hot, butch, muscley top -- and start exploring what sex might be like between two bottoms. Wanting to fulfill the kind of fantasy that I've just described is certainly exciting, and far be it from me to tell boys what kind of sex is right or wrong. But I'm not talking about what people ought or ought not to do. Instead, I'm talking about finding ways for us to push our limits and have the best sex we can imagine.

I find that, often times, the best part of quickie sex with a top isn't the actual act itself -- but the pleasure I get later after he has left and I can reimagine / fantasize about the encounter. In other words, sex that is hot in theory may not actually feel that great in the moment - but you sure enjoy jerking off thinking about it for the next few weeks!

Now of course I'm painting with broad strokes here. Plenty of guys out there surely have sex lives that are both "hot" and pleasurable. I don't want to be accused of saying that this is the way it is for all gay men -- or that all tops are one way and all bottoms are another way. Clearly this isn't the case. But there are certainly cultural norms and expectations in gay culture that set us up for the kind of sex lives I've described. Thus, it wasn't surprising that when I searched Google for images with the term "gay pleasure," the image below popped up. It's actually quite beautiful / striking. I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this!

xoxo

Trevor